Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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