Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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