I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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