My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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