Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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