I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
