I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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