I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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