All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
