The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i think my cat just said my name.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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