i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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