Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
