she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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