I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
