Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
