he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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