My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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