I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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