I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
