Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
