just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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