I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
ttyl tear gas
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
