even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
