my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
