a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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