I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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