I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
