I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
