My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
