Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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