im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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