Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
