Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
