heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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