I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
