Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
