matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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