It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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