well I can't set my house on fire every night
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
