Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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