I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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