all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
