I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Randomize
