I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
