This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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