I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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