I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
