The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
