nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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