No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
