He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
