i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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