My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
