You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
