ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
