why didn't you poke me back
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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