i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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