just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
