dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
